Valvitis, why I have an ‘outie’

Valvitis, why I have an ‘outie’?   – by Corliss Buenavida

Recently, somebody said, I was an ego centric self-serving arsehole. Actually, I hear that a lot. How can so many people be wrong? Well, just look at some recent election results!

But I’m not here to talk about me or politics, instead, let’s talk about inflation!

Not monetary inflation, the good kind: pool float inflation.

Unless you found your float drifting on the wind with no return address on it, it is very unlikely you will not have to go through the process of a blow job at least once in your floating life. Most of us with more than 50 floats to choose from and a very small float storage room must deflate and re-inflate occasionally. Okay, bad example. Let’s just say you don’t have space to keep your float inflated when it is not in use. Inevitably you are going to need to blow some air in there when you have a date with your buoyant apparatus.

Method 1 involves lips and lungs; inhale, exhale. It is tried and true, so you would think this is obvious, stick it in your mouth and blow but alas there can be more to it than that. Sometimes you have to pinch a nipple too!

Yes, most inflatable valves are designed with an inner flap which stops back flow of the air you just blew through it while you are in the inhale phase – very helpful. By pinching the base of the valve nipple, the flap is opened so blowing the air in is a lot easier. This inflation method, basically a ‘deep breathing exercise’, is in fact quite healthy for you too, as long as you are not sharing your valve with another mouth without cleaning it. Also don’t over exert yourself and pass out or burst a blood vessel. It’s not a race; it’s a beer float. Use the deep breathing as the start of your relaxation process. Become one with the experience. Blah blah blah…

Method 2 is using a hand pump (or foot pump).

So, you don’t have the patience or lung capacity to endure Method 1. You can still get warmed up for your float with a physical action pumping experience.

If you already have a bike tire pump it may have come with adaptors which will fit other orifices such as pool toys. If not, suck it, er, blow it, i.e.; back to Method 1.

Or; get an air pump designed for inflatables because it will definitely have the necessary attachments to fit your hole. Usually, they are slender cones with two openings just back from the tip. You insert it into your valve snuggly, and it pushes open the backdraft flap allowing all your efforts from your strokes to eject inside your plastic playmate.

You may want to start your playlist at this time with Elvis Costello’s “Pump It Up”. Or, perhaps Marvin Gaye’s, “Let’s Get It On”?

Your pump and valve may have two size options. Use the biggest one that fits tight for fastest filling.

Method 3 is ‘The Dylan’: going electric! For you young folks or people who don’t know basic music history, in 1965 one of America’s leading folk musicians started to amplify his guitar which caused an uproar with many of his fans. I think in the long run it worked out ok.

Anyway, there are many types of electric pumps but again I will focus on one made for inflating air-filled chambers. It should come with the required adapters for your valve and will be the fastest inflation method by far while using the least amount of exertion. If you are purchasing and plan to use it away from home, get a battery powered one with a recharging system. Running hundreds of feet of extension cords to the edge of the lake would get you back in the exertion column.

If you want to save money and already have valve adaptors, then other household items might be able to serve as your electric pump. Some options you might investigate are a hair dryer, leaf blower, air compressor, shop vac or vacuum cleaner in reverse mode.

Whatever system you use to get your tube loaded you need to be cognizant of over inflation. Don’t pop an old patch. Take into consideration how much pressure your body weight will exert on your device as this may well push it over the limit. And this might not happen immediately either. With your float out in the hot sun the air inside may expand to the point of bursting at the seam.

Comfort is another consideration. Personalize how firm you inflate to your body size & contentment. Some floaters like a soft and supple molding to their reclines while others won’t take it unless it is hard. You know who I’m talking about.                  

All this insinuation brings me to the title of this blog ‘Valvitis, why I have an outie?’  

Valvitis is not a sexually transmitted disease and it has nothing to do with a belly button. It is a condition of wear and (eventually) tear on your valve from pushing it in and pulling it out during the inflation and deflation processes. The circular folded rubber around the valve gets weakened every time you move it in or out and finally rips apart to an unrepairable end and funeral for your beloved float. It also means more landfill when you throw it in the garbage.

So, to keep Earth a better place and your wallet closed I recommend keeping your valve in the out position after inflation. It can become a talking point amongst your fellow floaters on the high seas. You will recognize other wise and experienced old dogs in their treasured and long surviving crafts.

Of course, if I’m racing, doing some beerfloat yoga or playing Wobbleball, I will push in my valve but for a casual float where nobody is going to get scratched by a protrusion, keep that nipple firm!

So, once you have blown out your hot air, just sit in your arse hole and crack a wobbly pop. Let it all hang out!

Cheers, Corliss

beer float.calm = beerfloat.net not beerfloat.com